Monday, December 22, 2014

Unto Us a Child is Not Born…

Around Christmas time last year Tyler and I had been trying for a few months to have a child. In December I started having some of “pregnancy symptoms” when we were in Hawaii and I was excited to go home and surprise Lyla on her Birthday with the news. Well, it obviously was not meant to be and here we are at the same season again with no child in sight.

I had no idea how hard infertility would be. The constant hope and making plans for the future every month only to have those dreams and plans put on hold month after month, after month. The anxiety and guessing does something to your body. After a while I told Tyler I have no idea what the beginning of pregnancy even would feel like (even thought I've been pregnant before), because I have been so sure many times. After a while I stopped buying pregnancy tests, it was hard to ever believe them anyway, and instead I would just wait for the period to come. Not because I lost hope completely but rather because seeing the words “not pregnant” on that screen just hurt too much.

Then there are the doctor appointments, the awful medicine, the shots, the hormones, the ultrasounds, and that horrible two-week wait. I read an article by a psychiatrist that said that people who go through infertility problems suffer the same physiological and emotional damage as a cancer patient. I thought that was crazy at first, but now I’m almost starting to believe it.

The hardest part was feeling like I let my Lyla down. She loves people so much. I know a sibling would be so wonderful for her. As each month past I felt the gap getting wider and wider and the fear would grow that she would become so lonely. Then hearing that all the friends that had babies the same time as me have not only already had one child, but are trying for their next.

I realized that there was this gap of time of time in life. I had the time for another child, but I had no child so what was I supposed to do with the time that had been given to me?

Well this blog is sounding pretty depressing, I know, but there is some goodness too amid the sorrow. I know that God blessed me with a special spirit to see me through this hard time. My sweet Lyla was with me every month holding my hand as I sobbed on the bathroom floor and telling me “You’ll feel better again. I will never leave you.” She has brought me so much joy and my inability to have children has made me cherish and be more grateful for every moment I have with her. I don’t mind getting up in the middle of night to snuggle her after a bad dream, because I know when she gets older she won’t ask anymore. 

I am also blessed to have a very optimistic husband. He stays strong every month and has cheered me up even though I know he has been as heartbroken as I am about our situation. He has never doubted God and his timing even when I have and I’m so grateful for that.

I know there are some women who's battle has been been much longer than mine and my heart aches for you. I always felt guilty pleading with God for another child when I knew I was so lucky to have one, and there are so many women who don't have any children. 

Tyler taught me something really wise that he learned this month about prisoners of war. He said that prisoners who set dates about the days they would be set free really struggled through their experience. The depression from when the dates came and passed was too much for them. However, the prisoners that didn’t set dates and just have faith that EVENTULLY they would be free did much better. So I am a fertility prisoner of war and I am having faith that eventually we will have another child.

For now, I am grateful I can celebrate my Saviors birth. He can heal our broken hearts if we let him. Sometimes I am stubborn and just want to hold onto the pain, but I know he can take it from us and strengthen us through his atonement. This Christmas I am reminding myself that the greatest gift I have ever received was already given to me. It was a gift of life, love, peace, and hope given by a Father to all his children. God loved us all so much that he let his precious son be raised by another father so he could complete his mission to help us all come back home. Through Jesus Christ all injustices and all inequities will be made right. He is the gift that will help heal our hearts and have joy on this earth.

Enjoy this beautiful Christmas youtube video.

Merry Christmas!


Saturday, December 13, 2014

Frozen Birthday Party

Lyla has been so obsessed with Frozen all year that we thought a Frozen birthday party would be very fitting this year. My sweet mommy sent us lots of snowflake decoration and luckily our Christmas decorations went very well with our frozen theme!
Here is a look at the gift bags I made up for the girls. I found some great tutorials for the crown and I just bought a bunch of beads at Hobby Lobby for the necklaces. The little girls loved having their own Elsa gloves too! They each got a snowflake that Elsa made for them to hang on their tree.

The boys got Antlers instead of a crown. Since lyla already had a lot of Elsa and Anna dresses we shared them so all of her friends could dress up for the party.
The first activity was making their own snow globe. Lyla LOVES doing this. It is super easy and actually not very messy.

The food for the party was Anna Sandwiches, Olaf noses (carrots), and Sven Antlers ( pretzels). I really tried to keep it simple since it was a bunch of three year olds and I didn't want a lot of spills.
This was my first time decorating a cake. It is super hard! There is a reason I make pies all the time and not cake. But it was fun and Lyla was soo excited about it. All morning she begged to eat cake.
We had three different stations at the party to help the kids get ready for the coronation ceremony. They got to have their face painted, Elsa nails, and Elsa Hair.

While the kids waited to have their face painted they got to color their own Anna pictures.

My friend Jessica came and was our Elsa. She was sooo so sweet to do this! I had her wear my Halloween Elsa dress and she sang "Let it go" with them. 

We created a throne for Elsa to sit on and she gave each child their own necklace, crown, and snowflake. She named them all honorary Princesses of Arendale.

It is really hard get a bunch of little kids to look at the camera and smile. But they are so cute! Elsa was perfect!

Tessa was a little scared to meet Elsa but she admired her from afar.

After Elsa left there was lots of dancing and singing to Princess songs.

Lyla got to sit on the throne and open all of her wonderful presents. It was a great day. At the end of the party Lyla said "Ok, Mom now we do a second Elsa party." I laughed and said "next year."

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Tea Time at The Grand America

A few weeks ago we went to Utah for a couple of weeks for my little brother's wedding. We had so much fun playing with both Grandmas and Aunt Rae Rae. We went to High Tea one morning at the Grand America. 

This was Lyla's special sandwiches. I never knew a peanut butter and jelly sandwitches could look so pretty! Lyla loved them!
Of course we had to bring Elsa and Anna with us. The food was so good and there was so much.

Lyla was so full after she laid on the floor. We each got a pot of our own tea. It was really fun memory. It makes me want to do tea time more often. 

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween

 I think it is no secret my daughter loves to dress up. This year for Halloween she wanted for everyone to dress up in frozen costumes. Luckily, I had an old prom dress that looked like Elsa. We got Lyla's dress from Disney and the wigs from Amazon. I sewed Tyler's Kristoff tunic from an old DI sweater. It all worked out great!

Lyla loved having both Tyler and I dress up with her it was so cute! Tyler doesn't like dressing up but it hard to resist Lyla's excitement. I'm pretty sure Halloween in her favorite Holiday. Here are some pictures from our Ward Trunk or Treat and Halloween.