Around Christmas time last year Tyler and I had been trying for a few months to have a child. In December I started having some of “pregnancy symptoms” when we were in Hawaii and I was excited to go home and surprise Lyla on her Birthday with the news. Well, it obviously was not meant to be and here we are at the same season again with no child in sight.
I had no idea how hard infertility would be. The constant hope and making plans for the future every month only to have those dreams and plans put on hold month after month, after month. The anxiety and guessing does something to your body. After a while I told Tyler I have no idea what the beginning of pregnancy even would feel like (even thought I've been pregnant before), because I have been so sure many times. After a while I stopped buying pregnancy tests, it was hard to ever believe them anyway, and instead I would just wait for the period to come. Not because I lost hope completely but rather because seeing the words “not pregnant” on that screen just hurt too much.
Then there are the doctor appointments, the awful medicine, the shots, the hormones, the ultrasounds, and that horrible two-week wait. I read an article by a psychiatrist that said that people who go through infertility problems suffer the same physiological and emotional damage as a cancer patient. I thought that was crazy at first, but now I’m almost starting to believe it.
The hardest part was feeling like I let my Lyla down. She loves people so much. I know a sibling would be so wonderful for her. As each month past I felt the gap getting wider and wider and the fear would grow that she would become so lonely. Then hearing that all the friends that had babies the same time as me have not only already had one child, but are trying for their next.
I realized that there was this gap of time of time in life. I had the time for another child, but I had no child so what was I supposed to do with the time that had been given to me?
Well this blog is sounding pretty depressing, I know, but there is some goodness too amid the sorrow. I know that God blessed me with a special spirit to see me through this hard time. My sweet Lyla was with me every month holding my hand as I sobbed on the bathroom floor and telling me “You’ll feel better again. I will never leave you.” She has brought me so much joy and my inability to have children has made me cherish and be more grateful for every moment I have with her. I don’t mind getting up in the middle of night to snuggle her after a bad dream, because I know when she gets older she won’t ask anymore.
I am also blessed to have a very optimistic husband. He stays strong every month and has cheered me up even though I know he has been as heartbroken as I am about our situation. He has never doubted God and his timing even when I have and I’m so grateful for that.
I know there are some women who's battle has been been much longer than mine and my heart aches for you. I always felt guilty pleading with God for another child when I knew I was so lucky to have one, and there are so many women who don't have any children.
Tyler taught me something really wise that he learned this month about prisoners of war. He said that prisoners who set dates about the days they would be set free really struggled through their experience. The depression from when the dates came and passed was too much for them. However, the prisoners that didn’t set dates and just have faith that EVENTULLY they would be free did much better. So I am a fertility prisoner of war and I am having faith that eventually we will have another child.
For now, I am grateful I can celebrate my Saviors birth. He can heal our broken hearts if we let him. Sometimes I am stubborn and just want to hold onto the pain, but I know he can take it from us and strengthen us through his atonement. This Christmas I am reminding myself that the greatest gift I have ever received was already given to me. It was a gift of life, love, peace, and hope given by a Father to all his children. God loved us all so much that he let his precious son be raised by another father so he could complete his mission to help us all come back home. Through Jesus Christ all injustices and all inequities will be made right. He is the gift that will help heal our hearts and have joy on this earth.
Enjoy this beautiful Christmas youtube video.