Around Christmas time last year Tyler and I had been trying for a
few months to have a child. In December I started having some of “pregnancy symptoms”
when we were in Hawaii and I was excited to go home and surprise Lyla on her
Birthday with the news. Well, it obviously was not meant to be and here we are
at the same season again with no child in sight.
I had no idea how hard infertility would be. The constant
hope and making plans for the future every month only to have those dreams and
plans put on hold month after month, after month. The anxiety and guessing does
something to your body. After a while I told Tyler I have no idea what the
beginning of pregnancy even would feel like (even thought I've been pregnant before), because I have been so sure many
times. After a while I stopped buying pregnancy tests, it was hard to ever
believe them anyway, and instead I would just wait for the period to come. Not
because I lost hope completely but rather because seeing the words “not
pregnant” on that screen just hurt too much.
Then there are the doctor appointments, the awful medicine,
the shots, the hormones, the ultrasounds, and that horrible two-week wait. I
read an article by a psychiatrist that said that people who go through
infertility problems suffer the same physiological and emotional damage as a
cancer patient. I thought that was crazy at first, but now I’m almost starting
to believe it.
The hardest part was feeling like I let my Lyla down. She
loves people so much. I know a sibling would be so wonderful for her. As each
month past I felt the gap getting wider and wider and the fear would grow that she
would become so lonely. Then hearing that all the friends that had babies the
same time as me have not only already had one child, but are trying for their
next.
I realized that there was this gap of time of time in life.
I had the time for another child, but I had no child so what was I supposed to
do with the time that had been given to me?
Well this blog is sounding pretty depressing, I know, but
there is some goodness too amid the sorrow. I know that God blessed me with a
special spirit to see me through this hard time. My sweet Lyla was with me
every month holding my hand as I sobbed on the bathroom floor and telling me
“You’ll feel better again. I will never leave you.” She has brought me so much joy
and my inability to have children has made me cherish and be more grateful for
every moment I have with her. I don’t mind getting up in the middle of night to
snuggle her after a bad dream, because I know when she gets older she won’t ask
anymore.
I am also blessed to have a very optimistic husband. He
stays strong every month and has cheered me up even though I know he has been
as heartbroken as I am about our situation. He has never doubted God and his
timing even when I have and I’m so grateful for that.
I know there are some women who's battle has been been much longer than mine and my heart aches for you. I always felt guilty pleading with God for another child when I knew I was so lucky to have one, and there are so many women who don't have any children.
Tyler taught me something really wise that he learned this month about
prisoners of war. He said that prisoners who set dates about the days they
would be set free really struggled through their experience. The depression
from when the dates came and passed was too much for them. However, the
prisoners that didn’t set dates and just have faith that EVENTULLY they would
be free did much better. So I am a fertility prisoner of war and I am having faith
that eventually we will have another child.
For now, I am grateful I can celebrate my Saviors birth. He
can heal our broken hearts if we let him. Sometimes I am stubborn and just want
to hold onto the pain, but I know he can take it from us and strengthen us
through his atonement. This Christmas I am reminding myself that the greatest
gift I have ever received was already given to me. It was a gift of life, love,
peace, and hope given by a Father to all his children. God loved us all so much
that he let his precious son be raised by another father so he could complete
his mission to help us all come back home. Through Jesus Christ all injustices and all inequities
will be made right. He is the gift that will help heal our hearts and have joy
on this earth.
Enjoy this beautiful Christmas youtube video.
Merry Christmas!
Bre
Infertility is beyond words, and you've written very honestly and beautifully about this struggle. Thanks for sharing Bre, and a few more prayers coming your way that the eventually will come to be the past. It's a very real and harsh reality for so many people around us. I wish I could put a band-aid on it and make it all better each one of my friends in that situation - I know I don't understand the pain as they know it. My heart goes out to you. Big hugs and lots of love.
ReplyDeleteBre,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and Ty and Lyla. I just wanted to tell you that you are the reason I have my two year old son, Aiden right now. I don't know if you remember, but I miscarried my first pregnancy not too long after you found out you were pregnant with Lyla. I was so debated that I never wanted to get pregnant again. I chatted with you on Gchat one day and you told me about miscarrying and then finding out you were pregnant with Lyla right after. I asked if you were scared you were going to lose her too and you talked about having faith that Heavenly Father would take care of you and to not be afraid.
Your faith gave me the strength to try and get pregnant again... I still tell people about how you inspired me to not let my fear overwhelm me.
I don't know why you are being asked to go through what you are going through right now, but I can tell you that Heavenly Father knows which of His children will endure well(even if you don't think you are) and help others endure that same trial in their lives.....you did that for me! Thanks for being such a good example. Much love and Merry Christmas to you, Ty, Lyla, and the rest of your family...present AND future:)
Liz,
DeleteThanks for sharing that sweet story. I remember having that little conversation and I am so glad that you have you little one. Thanks for the words of love.
Bre
Hi Bre, my sweet mother in law came across your site and sent me a link. We've been struggling with infertility too for 2 years. Everyone around me with kids my only child's age already have 2 other children younger than him too. It's heartbreaking. We finally got pregnant only to miscarry at 9 weeks. And now that my body is back to normal we decided to try again only to find I have an extremely large ovarian cyst that needs to be taken care of first. It's frightening now and I'm praying the medication will help it go down so we don't have to remove my ovary. Being positive is so hard but I just have to hold on to the belief that there is a bigger purpose to our wait and that this isn't just because. Thank you so much for your inspiring words. I can relate to it all. I feel the same. I hope we each get some relief from this trial soon and get our angel baby. Hope you have a Merry Christmas. :)
ReplyDeleteBre-
ReplyDeleteThank you for your beautiful post. My heart hurts for you because I know how real that kind of pain is. We tried for a year and a half to get pregnant after Reid and it was the hardest year+ of my life. I think I cried every day. I know to many people that doesn't seem like a very long time but it was agony for me. I couldn't understand why, when I wanted something so good, that blessing was being denied to me. I began to feel very bitter, forgotten, and depressed. Eventually, however I opened up my heart to God and found a new level of patience as I came to learn that He had a different plan for me than I had for myself. (And that that plan was different than many of the women around me, which was one of the hardest things for me to accept I think). But knowing that and trusting in His timing was what got me through.
Eventually we did have another beautiful baby boy but I don't think I learned those lessons well enough because I am relearning them now. I had figured out the exactly perfect time to get pregnant with our third that would fit into every plan I had for the next few years of my life and I actually did get pregnant but then a few weeks ago I miscarried at 3 months. Because it was such a late miscarriage my doctor wants me to wait 5 months before trying again. And so I am learning, once again, that my timing and plans are different from the Lords timing and his wisdom. I have found a lot of comfort in the scripture that if God notices even the fall of a sparrow He is so aware of me and my pain and my prayers.
I think you are an amazing mom and you have great faith. Please let me know if I can ever help with anything.
Sending love and prayers
Christine
Christine,
DeleteI had no idea you struggled. My heart feels for you. Sending you prayers for the next one.
Love ya!
So sorry to hear this! We always had a hard time getting pregnant too and when some of my friends from Wisconsin said on Amanda's pregnancy (#4) - "Don't you know how to prevent this?" I replied, "We love children and we have to try really hard to get them!" People who haven't been through it don't know what the waiting each month is like. My prayers are with you!
ReplyDelete